Being Tall

It’s probably not amazing for longevity. So everyone go have fun at the nursing home without me.

At least you can get into the NBA, the zoo for tall people. (Tall people get stared at anyway so we might as well get paid for it.) I’m not in the NBA though. So I get stared at for free, especially in Asia. 

Anyway, here’s what it’s like. By age 10, you’re taller than your mom, but she can still tell you what to do. By age 13, you’re a creepy child because you’re as big as some adults but your voice hasn’t dropped yet. Eventually you stop growing, but you’re still scared every time you stand up because it feels like you’re stuck on a creaky stepladder. 

Short kings who lie about their height on Bumble and wear lifted shoes might think being tall is awesome, because girls will want to talk to you in bars. But the people who REALLY want to talk to you in bars are the drunk dudes who want to tell you about other tall dudes they know back in their hometowns. Everyone thinks tall people want to hear about tall people in other places, but we don’t.

Being tall is only a benefit if you also have a tall essence. If you have the husky voice, charismatic leadership, and high income correlated with height. 

That’s not me. People are usually surprised to find out I’m a meek, confused introvert. I think what happened is that I body-switched with a film geek in high school, but we haven’t learned the Life Lesson to switch back yet. 

But you should all be thankful I'm an introvert. If I were this tall and also confident, I'd be the Supreme Leader of the galaxy by now.

In this life I still get my perks, though. Sometimes I get the pity upgrade to the exit row in economy class.

(PS - When two tall people of the same height meet, they have to fight to the death.)

Short or regular-sized friend? We'll never know.